Where True Strength Hides

This semester has been a rough one for me. I’ve struggled in literally every aspect of life: physical, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. But this semester I’ve also prided myself with being brave, being strong, fighting tooth and nail through it all. However the more and more I’ve reflected on this semester the more I had to ask myself, “How can I say I was strong when my “strength” only brought about anger, resentment, and a loss of joy?”
A few weeks ago we brought our high schoolers to the parish Penance Service so that they could go to confession, but you know that in ministry you must be the example if you want them to go! I quickly realized that I should go to confession as well to be the “strong” example to the kids (plus I was having a really rough week). As soon as I sat in the confessional chair I burst into tears (so much for being the strong example) and I poured out all that had been going on that week to the priest. His response surprised me. He said I need to stop being brave and that being “brave” is what has wrecked my semester. Obviously I left the confessional with a lot going on in my head. Was being strong really what has made this year so much harder? Maybe showing my weakness is what would help me find strength…
The next day in prayer my Advent prayer reflection said:
“Just spend time with him every day and you will become stronger and stronger, a refuge of truth and hope for everyone around you.” –The Word Among Us
Then I realized, strength should bring about a reflection of truth and hope for everyone around you. That’s where people get it wrong, if your strength does not bring about truth and hope then it is not real strength but pride. So what is strength? True strength comes from God alone and in being strong enough to admit our weakness. Being strong enough to ask for help. Being strong enough to hand it over to God. True strength is overcoming our pride, overcoming our stubbornness, overcoming our fears of judgment and crying out for help. A weakness is not a failure. A weakness is simply an area of growth that we find opportunities to become strong. If there was no weakness in our lives then how would we ever have an opportunity to practice strength? Our generation is all about being “brave” and tough and independent, but it is in trying to be the hero that we end up losing. Maybe the point isn’t to be “brave”, maybe the point is to be weak so that we can learn what strength really looks like.
I’ve been scared to talk to others about how I’m feeling because I’ve wanted to be strong, but that has only led me to more and more stress, sadness, and loneliness. I need to let others in because just like my prayer is meant to make me strong and give truth and hope to others, their prayer is meant to do the same thing. Maybe letting others in I not only find strength in myself for being vulnerable but I find strength in them and in the support and love they long to give me.
If you look at the cross, the moment of greatest weakness becomes the world’s greatest strength. Far before the cross though Jesus chose to come as a baby, to take on the world's weakest form and alllow others to help him grow. So this Christmas, I commit to being weak. I commit to being so weak that I open myself up to others and showing them the real struggles inside. And maybe, just maybe I’ll find that that is where my strength has gone.